how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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