just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
