can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
