I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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