another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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