Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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