I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
