I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
