If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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