morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
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your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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