i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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