He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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