dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
