I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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