The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
