Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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