At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
