chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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