man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
