Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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