I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
