I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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