Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
