Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
