It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
two words: eviction party
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
