Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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