You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
