Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
