The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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