she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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