I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
