Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
