You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
