I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
