I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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