i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
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Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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