I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
