I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
