Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
