I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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