when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
