I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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