weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
