I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Found the puke drawer
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
