Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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