i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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