So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
