I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
