I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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