we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So vagazzling was a success
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
