What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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