I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
