Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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