dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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