Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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