Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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