I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
