Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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