just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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