Do you still have your period?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
