Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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